my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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