Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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