i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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