I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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