im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
