Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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