It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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