Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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