the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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