I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
