I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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