He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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