I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
