and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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