My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
