my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
