dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
