she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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