I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Swine flu. Run for my life!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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