you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
