How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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