So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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