Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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