I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
