i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
