For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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