would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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