Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
