ya dads aren't the best wingmen
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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