Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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