One girl and one boy is just not enough.
farters have to be the big spoon...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
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