all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
