I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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