So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
