We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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