you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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