3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
