I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
