it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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