I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
