the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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