I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.