The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
