What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize