Im at strip club and am horny
someone threw a dead crab at me
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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