mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
