i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
