I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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