I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Pooping to opera.
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