you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
someone owes me an orgasm
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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