Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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