can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
