I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
