my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy