i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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