I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God