I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD