It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?