dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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